This past week we spent a day at the children’s hospital. It was a routine, scheduled visit, but it was extremely taxing. I’ve talked about my girls heart before but she also has an issue with her kidneys, called hydronephrosis. She has vesicoreutal reflux, meaning a bit of urine goes backwards towards her kidney. It’s very mild and they believe will self correct with time. The doctors are simply monitoring it. So this last Friday, she had the unfortunate experience of being drugged up to be catheterized, have her bladder pumped full of sterile dye and x-rayed. She wasn’t allowed food or drink before the procedure, which she handled surprisingly well. However once at the hospital the tears began to flow. We were there for 4 hours total, and she spent 75% of that crying. Being a mama who does not let her child cry, does not believe in cry it out, that was extremely rough. She did not sleep at all while there either, and was exhausted. There was about a 30 minute span where she was totally stoned from the medication where she enjoyed herself. They gave her a moving light up toy and she was like a hippie on acid. Other then that she was miserable.
I struggle with days like this. I went into pregnancy expecting an intervention free birth, preparing to vaccinate sparingly and hoping to be hands off medicinally.
Then she came and her perfect little heart was broken and I was terrified. I had to put all of my hope and trust into a medical community I previously feared. I had to believe they would save my baby. And they did. And ever since I have listened to almost everything they have told me.
On days like this I wonder if I should question more. Refuse tests. Decline procedures. I wonder if any of this related to her kidneys and bladder was even necessary. If she will simply outgrow it. If so many kids have it and don’t even know, because they didn’t have abdominal ultrasounds at birth. Then why was all of this necessary? Her results came back in favor of her outgrowing the issue, the reflux now gone, the hydronephrosis lessening. I question myself, and my decisions for my child. Was putting her through all of that worth it? But it comes down to trust. And trust these doctors and nurses I must. Without that I am left with far more questions. So I give in and let them take control. We’re lucky. We live in a community with amazing hospitals, researchers, doctors and nurses. They are always up on current research, and much more progressive then you might expect. So trust them I do, and hope that they continue to deserve that trust.